[Mid-term] Amalia Fitri Annisa - It's Only Four (Short Story)

It’s Only Four

By Amalia F. Annisa

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If you don’t mind, now I’m going to tell you about my love problem. Pretty strange if I could say, but for me it’s not that weird.

What? Are you sure you want to hear this? If so, then stay and here me out. If not, feel free to disappear right now.

For you who stay, there are four reasons why my love seems can’t be real. And now I will tell you why it seems so.

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Believe it or not, from the first time I saw him, my heart beat faster as it never happened before in my life. At first I questioned myself, "what happened to me just now?" It didn’t even make any sense. I just met him for the first time and now my heart was beating like crazy. It went worse when he made his way to me and say, “Hi there, are you the one my father has told me before?” I just couldn’t do things better or productive except nodding slowly like an idiot little kid being asked by stranger. My heart beat became uncontrollable (or may I say it became worst?) as I saw him smile and raised his hand to me as if he wanted to grab it warmly, well he did want to. He smiled to me softly when saying this, “I’m your new big brother. It’s nice to meet you.”

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Reason one: He’s my big brother now. Can you tell how messed up my love life become?

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Our parents seemed not care at all if we share room together. I guessed they thought it would help us to make a bond as soon as possible after they married and decided to live together straightaway. Well, I’m pretty sure they didn’t know that one of their children would end up has a feeling to another. Damn it. I didn’t really care if my mother wanted to marry again with some British man after father left us for years, but to think my father-to-be has a handsome (and very gentle) son on his own is not what I'm expected. I didn’t really think that we would get along. I know I'm an introvert person and like to spend almost of my time alone at home. I rarely get out and socialize with other kids, not even start a conversation or interact with them. They knew me as a quiet person who rarely talk and make a sound. They said that my aura is so bad that to even bully me they didn’t want to. Well, I kind of liked this way of life, even though I felt a great pain of loneliness because of it. But it was much easier not to think others feeling and lived to your own. I didn’t need to worry if someone hated me, rejected me, or cheated on me. It was so painful to even think about that. That was what exactly I thought at first when mother told me her new husband had a son on his own. “Well, well! Look who is going to have a brother! Isn’t that lovely, my dear? Now you will have a friend if you feel sad and need companion!”

Oh how I really hate that idea. Well, it was only at the beginning, though. I remembered how I thought he would feel disgusted knowing he would have a new relative that had a bad aura and really weird. I was so sure he would reject me completely. He would never want to have a contact to someone like me. Those kinds of negative thinking continuously revolved in my head. I grew quite as the time of our day to meet up with my father-to-be came to discuss about their marriage. I didn’t even dare to look up to him. I just kept shut my head down and refused to talk or look at him. I felt so bad to him because I could see that he was a good man for the way he addressed my mom and me, but I couldn’t really pull myself to talk with someone after my long shut in, moreover to a stranger. I never met him, only mother did. Mother told me that they were met when my mother was sent to work in England and he was her person in charge. She worked hard to meet up the company's need where she worked. Even so, she still showed her kind sides to people around her, whether she knew that person or not. In short, that man fell in love with mother, and asked her to marry him. At first mother refused his proposal, but he kept on chasing my mother hundreds of times (a trait that I think he shared with his son) and finally mother accepted his proposal. When I asked why she accepted the man’s proposal and whether she loves him or not, she just said this with soft smile, “You’ll know why after you met him.”

At first I didn’t understand of what mother said, but after I met him I started to get why she said that. He was an earnest person, I knew it. He looked right into mother’s eyes each time he talked to her. His gaze was so passionate and tenderly, yet sincere and serious. But when he turned his eyes on me, my reaction would be turning my head down. I could tell he was concerned of me from the tone he used. He kept asking if I was okay but what I could do was nodding. Now when I think about it again, the way I met my new father is same with the way I met my new brother. Well, like father like son. Both of them have same trait and personalities. I guess it is because they way my new father taught him. They had lived together without any presence of woman. They lost their beloved woman in a car accident when my new brother was only two. Since then, the man raised his only son by himself, trying to fulfill both roles for his son. Fortunately, his son grew up as a fine gentleman, like how he is. I could tell by how he first appeared in front of my eyes. How could such creature exist in the world! My heart beat so fast I couldn’t care less about what happened around me.

That was the first time I was looking right onto someone’s eyes other than my mother. It was him. I forgot that mother and my new father were also there. After I shook his hand softly (without losing any eye contact with him), my new father came to me then petted my head and smile. The same kind of smile that my new brother had each time he smiled at me. “I hope both of you could get along.” That man said that so softly with a tender look. And once again, I could only blushed and shut my head down. It became my habit, you know. And that was the first time I thought, “How could I turn down such request like that?” after being asked nicely. He didn’t exactly ask me to get along with his son but that voice of his could not make me say no to him. Now I realized why I felt in love with my new brother. It was just the same like mother. Me and mother both fell in love with the same kind of men. I felt in love with how he kept insisted to get along with me, even when I didn’t give any kind of response to him. I loved with how he tried to talk to me softly, yet wanted me to respond to what he said. I loved his great effort to make comfortable with him.

I bet my new father did the same to my mother. But I knew my mother could respond well. For being as myself, of course I didn’t have any courage to answer back or respond normally as I rarely said anything. I just kept silent each time he entered our room and tried to start a conversation with me. He always made sure whether I had eaten properly, did my homework, and consistently asked if I got any problems in school or not. I wasn’t used with this kind of attention. He was so sweet to me as he never got bored or angry because of my behavior. Sometimes I wondered why he did even bother to talk to me. Ah how I love him. Now I can even tell him some of my secret (I’m not going to tell you that) as he listened carefully, as if I watched him if he didn’t really hear me. Not only that, now I even can talk to my new father. I don’t have that uncomfortable feeling whenever I near him now. Maybe because I am so closed with his son, I could familiarize myself to him. And I could feel that he began to spoil me to show his gratitude for being accepted by me. I’m not such a cold-heart child, but it makes me hard to express my feeling. He already acted so kind to me and thought me as his own child. Mother also never been so happy in her life (it was our dark times when father left us) because I am being more opened to those men. How could I dishearten their hearts by saying “I'm in love with my foster brother”?

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Reason two: Now my parents gave me those kinds of love and attention, how could I love my brother legally without breaking their heart? Well, it’s not like I’m going to marry my real brother; he is still my foster brother, though.

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He always smiles at me. No matter how bad his day was, or how worse his mood was. He would always smile. You know that kind of smile? It’s that kind of smile which make any person who saw it immediately think that he or she is so grateful of your existence. And you can tell that right away after you have some doubt before. Yes, he GAVE that kind of smile to me. You can tell how red my face was after he gave that angelic smile to me as he petted my head. Yes, he petted me. Can he tell how hard it was to act normally around him, for god sake? After giving me trouble not to act strange or creepy to him, now he made me have to suppress my wild urge to hug him as he made physical contact. Yes, I got aroused easily when he freely touched me like that. Now I made him sounds so dirty, but well, my imagination thinks so. He actually just touched my hair and smiled at me. What made it worst is that I remembered it as clear as crystal when he said, “Each time I saw your face, your figure, I feel, like, calmer and softer and I surely love that feeling. Would you mind to be here closer to me?” Can you believe he said that? He asked me with a pleading eyes and soft beautiful voice. How could I refuse such request from such man with such face! But did he know that each time I saw him smile I had to stop my wild mind to not to kiss and pounce him? Did he know that I really wanted to pounce on him? Did you think he know, huh?

I doubt he will know or even realize that, even a bit. He is so oblivious (or he is just purely stupid? But I think I might want to say he is cutely stupid) to this kind of things, that somehow it made me cried and relieved for the same time. I have seen some of his gal friends dropped a subtle hint and some even a bit bold of giving hint, but he never realized that. He would always end up misunderstand about it and make the girls angry and cry. I sighed so hard each time I saw that but then I cried when I knew I will just end up the same as those unlucky girl. He won’t ever notice or realize my feeling. But to think that he would know what kind of feeling I had for him, I'm certainly sure that he would be terrified of it and think it is disgusting. Oh, for god sake, no! I really don’t want to think that even for a bit a possibility of him detested me like I wasn’t even a human. No I don’t want to. I just thirst for his love, and he himself, of course.

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Reason three: He would feel disgust of me if he knew what kind of things I ever imagined with him. And I just want to DIE if it does happen.

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We have been together for many years now. He is now in his 24 and me in my 19. I have kept this love a secret for already nine years. Hurrah for me. Now you know why I'm so desperate to tell this to you. I can’t keep it any longer. Even in this age, we sometimes still cuddle and hug each other when one of us felt sad. These kinds of activities that made me still hope and yearn for his love. I keep telling myself he only sees me as a little kid that he must protect, no more than that. But I can’t. My heart always desires more and it tortures me. It tortures me so much. I couldn't help to sniff his scent each time we hugging. His sweet scent aroused me easily as it slowly weakens my mind and my body but down there it was tingling so much. He successfully made me can’t think clearly as he buried me in his hug and petted my hair softly, tenderly, and lovingly. No word changed between us but our presence could have made our anxiety, sadness or anger disappear. I couldn’t help myself to hug him harder and refuse to let him go. And each time he let go of his arm around me, I feel like my breath has been taken away forcefully from me. I choked; need air as I cried for his love. In a short word, my love could only grow stronger as he is always in my sides. Now, here comes the problem.

I told you before that he is in 24, right? My foster father thought that it was already the time for him to select a suitable woman to accompany him and asked him to consider about marriage. He said that in the middle of dinner with me and mother. After he said that, I could only be shocked in silence and stopped my eating. I lost my appetite all of sudden and wanted to throw up all foods that I had eaten. In fact, I wanted to throw it up to my foster father. How could he say such thing?! We were just fine like this and didn’t need another member of family! Couldn’t he see that brother and I just fine with each other?! I just kept silent and stared at my brother, waited in anxiousness, hoped that my brother would reject the idea blatantly. But my brother only said this after a moment of awkward silence,

“I’ll think of that.”

I could feel my world collapsed right in the moment he said that. Suddenly mother said something I really hate and despise, and that was the first time I ever hated her in my life, “You too, dear. You also have to find a woman after your brother. After all, you can’t always be with him. Let alone he will have a woman to accompany him. I want you to find a good bride too and become a good husband. Don’t repeat your father's mistake.”

I really hate my mother now. She only thinks about her happiness. Does she think that if I marry someone else it will make me happy? The answer is a big NO. Only MY brother could only make me happy. No one else could. It became worse as that stupid old man said something unnecessary, “You could be his best man at his wedding, son. I know your brother will happy too. Since both of you are very close to each other like being glued, no one is suited to be his best man.” My head went blank as I felt my tears swelled up. I didn’t want to think of that! More over about best man! Enough was enough! I ran to my rooms and locked my room. I could hear my brother asked me to open the door now. But right now I don’t want to see his face as he already disappointed me with that kind of answer.

To be exact, that talking only happened four hours ago, but I need some strategies to destroy all those stupid ideas about my brother's marriage. No one is marrying my brother. No one is and no one will. Brother is mine, and no one will ever take him from me.

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Last reason: I know we have same gender, but I don’t care.

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Now I’ve told you everything. And now you have to help me through this. Did you think I'm going to tell you these without any consequences? Don’t you ever dare think of that! Now tell me, what is the right solution? I will wait for your answer.